


Horny Nonsense with your Weird-Ass Ecto Dadbro

by Berd_Alert (Cassa_of_the_fans), excessThinking (Nobodyhasblindedme)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dom/sub Undertones, M/M, Null - Freeform, Oral Sex, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Trans Dave Strider, Trans Male Character, ace kink, dirk makes himself a ken doll in the junk department, grey ace dirk, it's kink but like, nullification
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:20:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24402694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cassa_of_the_fans/pseuds/Berd_Alert, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nobodyhasblindedme/pseuds/excessThinking
Summary: After spending a day at the beach enjoying godhood with friends, Dave accidentally discovers something. Interesting. About Dirk. Questions follow. Solutions are had. Webcams are misused. A good time is had by all.
Relationships: Auto-Responder | Lil Hal/Dirk Strider, Dave Strider/Dirk Strider
Kudos: 16
Collections: The Jam Jar





	Horny Nonsense with your Weird-Ass Ecto Dadbro

**Author's Note:**

> A split-off from the Jam Jar. Not quite coherent enough to be it's own chapter, but too good to let get eaten by our dms. 
> 
> The larger story is that Dirk and Hal are in a queer platonic relationship, and Hal managed to get his hands on some strange gel from the depths of the internet that can shrink and smooth out any biological mass. Nullifying the person. Dirk does this to himself, with Hal's help, leaving him only with a urethra, and anus. A ken doll setup.

Berd Alert (Cassa)Yesterday at 10:36 PM  
Dave: does any of your freaky sex-science stuff to genital bends?  
Dirk:... Let me ask my supplier

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Yesterday at 10:38 PM  
asfkjagj Dirk, calls someone  
Hal, sitting next to him: phone goes off  
Hal: hello?

Dave makes a choking noise

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Yesterday at 11:01 PM  
"You're in on this?"  
"Did you expect anything less?"

Berd Alert (Cassa)Yesterday at 11:04 PM  
"no but I hate that I was right"

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Yesterday at 11:05 PM  
Hal: to answer your question, though, no. I have no idea if there's substances that can alter your. Setup. Only null it, to my knowledge.

Berd Alert (Cassa)Yesterday at 11:07 PM  
Dave: Visible disappointment

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Yesterday at 11:08 PM  
aaand now they have to ask if dave is like. ok with being called 'dave' and ok with he-him pronouns

Berd Alert (Cassa)Yesterday at 11:12 PM  
Dave: Um, yeah I've been doing it since I was 9. Why?

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Yesterday at 11:12 PM  
Dirk, now Confused: . . ? ?/ > ? ?? ?  
Hal, the one with the braincell today: ah

Berd Alert (Cassa)Yesterday at 11:14 PM  
Dave; dude do I have to spell it out for you?

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Yesterday at 11:15 PM  
Hal: You may. Some of the gel may have seeped into his brain  
Dirk: ok listen you fuck-

Berd Alert (Cassa)Yesterday at 11:16 PM  
Dave: I don't have a dick okay!?

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Yesterday at 11:18 PM  
Dirk: ah  
Hal: schooled  
So  
there's that. Once it's on the table it's easier to talk about. Dirk understands as well why Dave doesn't take off his shirt when swimming now

Berd Alert (Cassa)Yesterday at 11:21 PM  
Dirk, approximately 3.25 hours later: I can't help with the dick problem but I can help with the boob problem

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Yesterday at 11:23 PM  
Dave: ...no nipples?  
Hal, livetweeting this with name changes to one of his hundreds of twitter accounts: no, you can keep those with full sensation, Dirk's just a freak

Berd Alert (Cassa)Yesterday at 11:24 PM  
Dirk: Stop kinkshaming me.

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Yesterday at 11:26 PM  
fjs  
they're so stupid i love them  
Hal gives Dave the option of coming over so Hal can help him, or just letting him do it on his own

Berd Alert (Cassa)Yesterday at 11:45 PM  
He thinks about it for a long time, before he calls Hal and they arrange a time to meet.  
Dave, laying on Dirk's bed: Does he have to be here.  
Dirk, sitting like L Deathnote on the nightstand: What? I want to watch.

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Yesterday at 11:47 PM  
FHASHASHGAHGDA DI RK GET O FF  
Dave doesn't...really mind. Well. Not too much. Not enough to make him back out now. Strider pride - it'll kill him one day. For realsies. 

"Alright, so, this might take a couple applications - Dirk's only took an hour or so, but. Well. There's a bit more, here," Hal says, gently (questioningly) laying a hand just below Dave's chest, on his belly.

Berd Alert (Cassa)Yesterday at 11:51 PM  
Dave doesn't have a massive chest, probably only a b-cup or so, but it's enough to bug him.

"I don't care man, I just want them gone"

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Yesterday at 11:56 PM  
Fair enough. Hal allows Dave to strip off his shirt (and uses that time to fake-slap Dirk down from where he was being a fucking gremlin, letting him perch on the edge of the bed instead). 

He opens the pot of gel. "Going to be a little cool," he warns, before his gloved hand scoops some out and traces a circle around Dave's left nipple and the darker skin around it.

Berd Alert (Cassa)Yesterday at 11:59 PM  
Dave gasps, just a little, and squeezes his eyes shut. He makes a blind grab for Dirk's hand and his brother curls their fingers together.

"Oh fuck that feels weird, you really enjoy this stuff?" 

"I enjoy the results more than the process. It'll feel better soon."

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 12:03 AM  
Hal hums idly as he applies more - some thing lowfi, perfectly on beat and even in tune with his audio systems. He works on both the same amount. The skin starts to feel a little tight, and sure enough, minutes of rubbing at the soft flesh, it's starting to change. He idly wonders, watching Dirk and Dave..

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 12:05 AM  
It's hard to tell, thanks to the general lack of signs, but he can tell Dirk is aroused. He generally is by this process especially since the scant recoded material Hal's collected is his favorite masturbation fodder. Dave appears to be getting hot and bothered too. Interesting.

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 12:11 AM  
Hal lets up after a while, peeling off his gloves and closing the jar. "I think we could do it all at once if you didn't mind laying here for an hour, but, I think I need a moment to step out. And you just..need a moment." 

He is very proud that he doesn't smirk when he says it. Four for him. 

Dirk knows about the webcam on the desk anyway.

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 12:15 AM  
Dave is squirming on the bed. The tingling sensation feels unbearable. Dirk is still holding his hand. 

"You okay Dave?"

"Why- hah- why does it feel like this?"

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 12:24 AM  
Dirk watches Hal leave, shaking his head a little. He didn't think - with Dave, he's not-

..shit.. 

Dirk lets his eyes slowly fall back to Dave, arching his back why was that necessary against the sheets. He shrugs, voice a little far away. "Unno. It just does." 

His mouth is dry, but. Well. They've come this far. "...You want a little help, bro?"

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 12:27 AM  
Dave honest to god whines, and his hips come up off the bed in a sudden jerk.

"Fuck, Christ, Yes please just do something!"

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 12:31 AM  
Dirk swallows, clicking in his throat. Something settles low in his gut when Dave jolts, the most he can do these days, and it's good. 

"Kay." 

He moves forward, and straddles Dave. Hands come up to cup his chest, minding the gel still wet on the skin, and squeeze. Dave's not the biggest, getting smaller in whatever minute amounts by the moment, but he'll give 'em one last hurrah. Dirk leans down to place an open-mouthed kiss on Dave's collar bone, and adds teeth at the last moment.

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 12:35 AM  
The sounds Dave makes is incredible. Breathy and soft, tinged with desperation. His hips grind up against Dirk's legs.

"holy fuck."

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 12:40 AM  
Dirk laughs, and the air feels a little less heavy. "Yeah, same. Hal put me through some shit when we were foolin' around with this." 

He hums, sitting up a bit. "..You wanna see?" Technically, all Dave's seen is Dirk's own featureless expanse of chest. Not everything, even if he knows.

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 12:41 AM  
"What do you- oh." The realization clicks. 

"You sure you're comfortable with that man? You don't have to."

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 12:44 AM  
Dirk shrugs. "I offered." 

He moves off of Dave, a promise in the back of his head to end this session very well for the other Strider, and wiggles out of his sweat pants, and the flat-crotch plain cotton panties he'd taken to wearing around the house. 

He sits back, legs spread a bit. The low ache is back, phantom want even after all these months.

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 12:48 AM  
Dave stares. He's not even trying to hide the fact that he's staring. He sits up a little.

"Oh shit. I didn't think Hal was serious about that. And you... Actually like this?"

(Curiosity, overtaking horny momentarily for decades)

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 12:49 AM  
(sometimes you just Gotta Know)  
"Well, uh. Yeah." Dirk says, looking a bit off to the side under that intense red stare. Hm. Where has he seen that before, huh? "You can find some weird shit out there on the deep web, man. Had an entire teenagehood alone to do nothing but go digging." 

Shit. Don't make this sad. "..Feels like I want it to. Right. You know?"

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 12:54 AM  
"No, but I get where you're coming from." He vaguely points at his own chest "Wouldn't be letting your robot topsona do this otherwise"

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 12:58 AM  
Dirk winces a little as he takes a healthy bite of foot sandwich. "Right. Sorry." 

Then the rest of Dave's words catch up to him. "Listen, we all have our preferences. The unconscious mind is a dangerous thing to give a thirteen year old in the best of situations. Hal's lucky this is how it manifested. Who knows, maybe this is just some coping mechanism for the lost world. Speaking of, do you have a preference?" 

Dirk wiggles his finger a little.

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 1:00 AM  
"Uhhhh... I can't exactly fuck you, can I."

Christ this boy is vanilla

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 1:03 AM  
Dirk blinks up at his brother. He sits up, and cups his cheek. 

"Sweet summer child. Don't make me do the thing. Are you gonna make me do the thing? The thing every fifteen year old with an undercut, a vape, and a tik tok thinks he can get away with."

Dirk waits for a moment, before sighing loudly, and holding up two fingers, placing them over his mouth, and slicking his tongue between them.

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 1:04 AM  
(Dirk you dramatic hoe9

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 1:04 AM  
(fjfsjf)

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 1:05 AM  
Dave wrinkles his nose at him

"I am Not putting my tongue inside you"

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 1:05 AM  
(dave. Dave.)

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 1:06 AM  
(he's dense and has only had sex with trolls)

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 1:09 AM  
Dirk drops his hand. He stares up at Dave for..a little longer then is probably necessary. 

"...I think after this I'm going to have to call Karkat and Terezi about some very important issues." 

He lets out an even longer sigh. "Alright. So. New gameplan." He leans all the way back, and makes grabby hands for the pillows behind Dave, who tosses them to him. He slides them under his head, and makes more grabbies for Dave. "Come up here. Just say stop..whenever, ok?"

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 1:12 AM  
Dave's eyes go wide, but he nods and scoots forward. 

" 'kay." He shifts a little, suddenly self conscious.

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 1:18 AM  
Dirk gets hold of his pants, loose and comfortable like Hal had recommended, and hooks hiss fingers into the waistband. 

He doesn't go right for it - something tells him Dave would spook if he did, and they're skirting the edge of unsexy and just awkward as it is, time to get this shitshow back on track. He leans up, pulling Dave down to meet him halfway as he started a line of kisses along his free hipbones, working up a couple hickies. His hands gripped Dave's thighs.

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 1:19 AM  
(this is like, the most realistic level of talking sex scene I've ever written lol)

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 1:20 AM  
(same. the striders are a good proxy for realistic 'sex is not always hot and heavy' scenes)

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 1:29 AM  
Dave makes another pretty sound and his hands find their way into his hair. He starts thumbing at Dirk's head like he's rubbing horns that aren't there.

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 1:34 AM  
Dirk hums at that. What would Dave do, he wonders, if he did have horns? A couple of good, firm handles for Dave to hold onto, to move Dirk however he wants... Or ears, maybe. Fuzzy, that twitch. Nya nya, motherfucker. 

Unfortunately, Hal was ever-correct in stating that adding things was not on of the gel's mysterious powers. Dirk again wonders, would they be in this situation if it were? Hm. How would Dave sound, his dick on Dirk's tongue. Head thrown back..

He supposes he'll get to find out soon, time god willing. 

Nosing at Dave's navel - or, where there would be one if SBURB hadn't testtubified all of them into being - Dirk starts to tug down the sweats, until they're at mid-thigh. His thumbs come inwards, hands splayed on Dave's hips and pressing.

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 1:39 AM  
Dave spreads his legs for him. His boxers have a very noticeable wet spot on them.

Dave pants quietly and his hips jerk up and forward. "H-hurry up dude, before I Fucking explode."

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 1:40 AM  
(oh I keep coming up with the stupidest dialogue for them)

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 1:40 AM  
(do it)

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 1:55 AM  
Dirk raises an eyebrow and pulls back a bit. Oh,he's such an ass. 

"Ain't never heard of foreplay? No friendly hello, hi? Go right in for the kill, huh? Two shot that bitch with love and kindness. Foreplay's like a conscientious little tap on the door, little rap tap tapping. Can I ring your doorbell, Dave? Knock knock, it's this dick." 

...Alright so he's rambling a little. He makes decent use of the time! Hands-on education. While he was mumbling, he moved his hands, thumbs running over that yummy little wet spot, feeling the bumps and underneath. They squish a little when he presses up.  
(I told you it was stu pi d)

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 1:57 AM  
Dave Actually laughs a little.

"Dude, you don't have a dick. Unless there's a strap-on I don't know abooooh oh fuck do that again"  
(I love him this is way too much fun)

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 1:58 AM  
(hals just sittin in the other room pretending to eat popcorn while watching all this)

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 1:59 AM  
(of course he is)

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 2:04 AM  
Dirk is very glad he's got Dave's tummy to hide in, because the grin he can't contain just doesn't fit his m.o. Too occ, your writing is bad and you should feel bad. 

"Well, there could be, if you want. It comes with legs and the personality of the entire Prometheus Society personified, though," he says, and presses up again, fabric soaked and making his fingers wet. One goes down, lower, and the other shifts, finding that hard little button and grinding down, again, and again, rhythmic. 

"No one around - just a reminder," Dirk says, before pulling away and pressing his mouth to the sodden boxers, tongue lashing out and running warm and wet through the covered cleft.

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 2:07 AM  
(is it dumb I find this hotter than a "sexy" intimate scene? Because I find this hotter and stupid endearing)

"R-right. I think, for the time being- hhaah... I just want... You."

Dave is obviously trying not to grind on his face. It's cute.

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 2:08 AM  
(not at all - I love writing stuff like this where it's just two characters being..quite casual and fun with each other)

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 2:09 AM  
(it's so soft and sweet)

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 2:18 AM  
Oh. Well. Shit..

Dirk tries not to let that get him right in the chest - fuckin..he can't eat someone out when he's smiling too wide. The things Dave does to him, apparently. 

"Fair play," he murmurs, and keeps at it for a while. He worries about Dave chaffing though, wet fabric on rather sensitive parts probably not a good thing for too long, and he should probably stop dancing around for Dave's sake. 

Dirk pulls down the boxers, letting them join the bunched up sweats. Hm. That sort of traps Dave's legs, maybe if Dave was the one laying down...but no. The time god is moving forward again, hands carded deep in Dirk's hair and tense. Not...today. Today, Dirk sinks back down, nose in wiry hair and tongue flat and warm for Dave to rock against, occasionally closing lips over his clit just to hear him moan.

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 2:21 AM  
Dave's so keyed up its over pretty quickly. He barely manages to hold it together for five minutes before he's yanking Dirk's hair and shaking apart.  
(oh I just had a realization. This Dirk is so much of a service sub he literally removed his ability to easily achieve pleasure for himself)

Thinker (themarginalthinker)Today at 2:26 AM  
Dirk rides it out with him. Not a long one, but it's still a damn good orgasm, if Daves cut-off little noises are, how hard he's yanking. Slick coats his lips and drips in little strings thickly over his chin when he pulls off. 

He unthinkingly licks his lips, glancing up at Dave, face red and legs shifting about. "Don't forget to like and subscribe."  
(YEAH, THAT'S. OUR DIRK.)  
(dirk, @ easy erogenous zones: begone, THOT)

Berd Alert (Cassa)Today at 2:28 AM  
Dave snorts and gently kicks him in the face.

"How did I ever think you were cool."


End file.
